Chaos
In the past week I have walked at least 21 miles. I think it might be more than that but 21 is all I can really be sure of. Someone said to me today "How are you doing? You just seem like you don't have as much enthusiasm the last few weeks." While this is a nice sentiment I feel like the person was really saying "I used to get more out of you and now I am just not feeling like I get enough so could you go back to when I owned you?" This person was right. My "enthusiasm" level probably isn't up to where it used to be when I didn't have a dog, grad school, and exercise routines and a huge work load to keep up with. I'm finding that enthusiasm is really only the byproduct of being fueled by life and right now I'm running on fumes.... like all the time.
It also hasn't been good for me to not write a daily blog post. While it is definitely just something else I have to check off a to do list, it is really the only thing on those lists that helps me keep a healthy self-awareness of who I am, who I want to be, and what the hell I'm going to do with this life of mine. The other thing that eats away at my enthusiasm is feeling like I have so much to contribute but that it is really out of my hands. You can't force feed someone something they don't want or don't want to understand. I feel like if I got to call the shots I could really see if the stuff I think I know is true. That requires risk though that I'm just not in a position to take just yet. Risk takes money. Money takes a plan. Plans take time to create. Time is in high demand.
The result is that I kind of feel like crap most of the time. The cortisol that's pumping through my veins really just makes me feel like I suck at everything I do because I don't feel like I can accomplish anything to the level that it should be at. The good thing is that the only thing that seems to help lately is getting out for a good long walk. To go and not have any time I have to be back and to have some time to just think is really great.
When I started this over a year ago I'm not sure I would have believed that I would "crave" 5 mile walks. I do though and I'm really kind of pissed that daylight won't keep supporting my efforts. Damn Earth and its stupid rotation. See there? That's what cortisol does. It makes you lash out at anything including the Earth's rotation.
Because I'm a problem solver I keep trying to find a solution but it isn't that easy. There is nothing that can make this better other than just getting used to it. I am trying to take things one at a time and I'm trying to wag more and bark less. I'm working on keeping my cool and I think that when I am keeping my cool it is too much to ask to also be enthusiastic.
The only thing I keep coming back to that is a "solution" is to uproot my life again and start my own business... or non-profit. I want to open an indoor dog park, partly because it solves my own problem but also because I feel like I need to be in an environment where I get to set the direction. I feel like I work so hard and while my job and my company really are amazing and they do make me feel like they appreciate me, I want to work this hard for myself, not someone else. I'll keep walking 20 miles per week and if it still seems like a good idea in the Spring, maybe that's my sign.
<3 Katie
177lbs
I don't know what day it is of the journey
It also hasn't been good for me to not write a daily blog post. While it is definitely just something else I have to check off a to do list, it is really the only thing on those lists that helps me keep a healthy self-awareness of who I am, who I want to be, and what the hell I'm going to do with this life of mine. The other thing that eats away at my enthusiasm is feeling like I have so much to contribute but that it is really out of my hands. You can't force feed someone something they don't want or don't want to understand. I feel like if I got to call the shots I could really see if the stuff I think I know is true. That requires risk though that I'm just not in a position to take just yet. Risk takes money. Money takes a plan. Plans take time to create. Time is in high demand.
The result is that I kind of feel like crap most of the time. The cortisol that's pumping through my veins really just makes me feel like I suck at everything I do because I don't feel like I can accomplish anything to the level that it should be at. The good thing is that the only thing that seems to help lately is getting out for a good long walk. To go and not have any time I have to be back and to have some time to just think is really great.
When I started this over a year ago I'm not sure I would have believed that I would "crave" 5 mile walks. I do though and I'm really kind of pissed that daylight won't keep supporting my efforts. Damn Earth and its stupid rotation. See there? That's what cortisol does. It makes you lash out at anything including the Earth's rotation.
Because I'm a problem solver I keep trying to find a solution but it isn't that easy. There is nothing that can make this better other than just getting used to it. I am trying to take things one at a time and I'm trying to wag more and bark less. I'm working on keeping my cool and I think that when I am keeping my cool it is too much to ask to also be enthusiastic.
The only thing I keep coming back to that is a "solution" is to uproot my life again and start my own business... or non-profit. I want to open an indoor dog park, partly because it solves my own problem but also because I feel like I need to be in an environment where I get to set the direction. I feel like I work so hard and while my job and my company really are amazing and they do make me feel like they appreciate me, I want to work this hard for myself, not someone else. I'll keep walking 20 miles per week and if it still seems like a good idea in the Spring, maybe that's my sign.
<3 Katie
177lbs
I don't know what day it is of the journey
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