Stress Will Kill You....
I want to start this entry out by talking about how much I love my Momma. I am about to give the impression she scarred me for life and this couldn't be further from the truth so to eradicate any concerns that I have Mommy issues I want you to know that my mother means the world to me and without her and her strength and sense of humor, I'm not sure where my life would be. So much of who I am I learned from her including my "people person" skills, my work ethic, and my quick whit. I am so proud to be her daughter and I wouldn't trade her for the world.
I know I have mentioned before that she also obsessively cleaned our house all the time. There was rarely a time when you could walk into our house and find it anything but spotless. She was meticulous and her standards were high. Along with this came a certain set of "rules" that, for most of my life, I just thought were common sense. Rules like "before you do anything fun, your 'chores' need to be done," and "when you make something messy and you're finished with it, clean it up." These seem like common sense rules don't they? Yea, I thought so too and I adopted this philosophy when I moved out on my own. My apartments were always clean and tidy and I busted my ass to make sure that was the case.
When I look back on my childhood, this cleaning thing is a really big part of how we lived. I also remember my mom being stressed out all the time. If we were going to the beach, Mum would wake up early to get the house cleaned before we left... even though it was cleaned the day before. If we were going away for a weekend, she would stress herself out to the max to make sure the house was clean before we left and by the time we actually hit the road we were all in bad moods because STRESS IS CONTAGIOUS!
The last couple of months for me have been pretty stressful and I felt like I was under a ton of pressure. My great friend Theresa told me "you just have to count your spoons." "Spoons" are the obligations you have to balance and if you're constantly feeling like one is falling then you're trying to do too much. At first I thought "aren't we all doing too much all the time anyway?" My second thought was "Listen to Theresa because she really knows her shit."
Yes. I am doing too much shit but instead of identifying certain things as "uncuttable" I should try to identify the way these spoons make me feel and work on changing that. The cleaning thing is the best example of this. I would carve time out of my week to spend at least 2 hours cleaning my house. This would usually be Saturdays or after work some time and I would get all stressed from work and other stuff and then when the house was clean I was too worked up to actually relax.
Last week when I was told that I've been angry more lately I really thought about it and they were right. I get just like my mother used to when she would clean and bang stuff around and just be mad. You can't really identify why but you could feel that red hot ball of madness in your belly and it is a beast that you can't control. This week I tried to be really aware of this and realized that I'm mad about 40% of the time lately. Nine times out of ten when I start to feel that ball the question pops into my head and starts to snowball the feeling. The question is "why is it always my responsibility?" For the first time in my life I answered this honestly. It is my responsibility because I am the one who cares about it and it bothers me so I am the one that has to do something about it or ask for help. Everyone doesn't have that set of rules built into their DNA like I do and it is completely unreasonable to expect someone to keep up with it. If I don't ask for help they can't read my mind. If I ask for help this amazing thing happens.... I get help... It isn't all my responsibility.
The other side of that coin is to know when to care about something and to ask if it is really something worth getting worked up over. I felt all last week like I was living life wrong and it had a huge impact on my mood and how I'm able to focus on anything.
After almost 30 years on this planet I have finally learned to unlearn things that don't fit who I am becoming. I like my house to be clean and organized but not at all costs. If it doesn't get done because the dog wants a 5 mile walk then so what? I won't remember in 10 years that I cleaned the house but I might remember that long walk with Brutus that day the sun set just that way over the river and how it made me feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Those are the kinds of things I should be seeking out. I feel like I've made a breakthrough.
Cool as a cucumber Katie.... That's the new me....
I know I have mentioned before that she also obsessively cleaned our house all the time. There was rarely a time when you could walk into our house and find it anything but spotless. She was meticulous and her standards were high. Along with this came a certain set of "rules" that, for most of my life, I just thought were common sense. Rules like "before you do anything fun, your 'chores' need to be done," and "when you make something messy and you're finished with it, clean it up." These seem like common sense rules don't they? Yea, I thought so too and I adopted this philosophy when I moved out on my own. My apartments were always clean and tidy and I busted my ass to make sure that was the case.
When I look back on my childhood, this cleaning thing is a really big part of how we lived. I also remember my mom being stressed out all the time. If we were going to the beach, Mum would wake up early to get the house cleaned before we left... even though it was cleaned the day before. If we were going away for a weekend, she would stress herself out to the max to make sure the house was clean before we left and by the time we actually hit the road we were all in bad moods because STRESS IS CONTAGIOUS!
The last couple of months for me have been pretty stressful and I felt like I was under a ton of pressure. My great friend Theresa told me "you just have to count your spoons." "Spoons" are the obligations you have to balance and if you're constantly feeling like one is falling then you're trying to do too much. At first I thought "aren't we all doing too much all the time anyway?" My second thought was "Listen to Theresa because she really knows her shit."
Yes. I am doing too much shit but instead of identifying certain things as "uncuttable" I should try to identify the way these spoons make me feel and work on changing that. The cleaning thing is the best example of this. I would carve time out of my week to spend at least 2 hours cleaning my house. This would usually be Saturdays or after work some time and I would get all stressed from work and other stuff and then when the house was clean I was too worked up to actually relax.
Last week when I was told that I've been angry more lately I really thought about it and they were right. I get just like my mother used to when she would clean and bang stuff around and just be mad. You can't really identify why but you could feel that red hot ball of madness in your belly and it is a beast that you can't control. This week I tried to be really aware of this and realized that I'm mad about 40% of the time lately. Nine times out of ten when I start to feel that ball the question pops into my head and starts to snowball the feeling. The question is "why is it always my responsibility?" For the first time in my life I answered this honestly. It is my responsibility because I am the one who cares about it and it bothers me so I am the one that has to do something about it or ask for help. Everyone doesn't have that set of rules built into their DNA like I do and it is completely unreasonable to expect someone to keep up with it. If I don't ask for help they can't read my mind. If I ask for help this amazing thing happens.... I get help... It isn't all my responsibility.
The other side of that coin is to know when to care about something and to ask if it is really something worth getting worked up over. I felt all last week like I was living life wrong and it had a huge impact on my mood and how I'm able to focus on anything.
After almost 30 years on this planet I have finally learned to unlearn things that don't fit who I am becoming. I like my house to be clean and organized but not at all costs. If it doesn't get done because the dog wants a 5 mile walk then so what? I won't remember in 10 years that I cleaned the house but I might remember that long walk with Brutus that day the sun set just that way over the river and how it made me feel like this is where I am supposed to be. Those are the kinds of things I should be seeking out. I feel like I've made a breakthrough.
Cool as a cucumber Katie.... That's the new me....
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