Circles

James Clear wrote an incredible book called "Atomic Habits." His own experience after a tragic accident helped him to identify how teeny, tiny, little changes can add up to remarkable progress. I would highly recommend it to anyone looking to make a change and writing today is one of my first atomic changes. While I chose to eat an apple today when I could have grabbed carbs, today wasn't a day where started going to the gym or made any sort of substantive change but it is a tiny change to write a post and log a check-in with my accountability tool. If I keep writing every day eventually it will help motivate me to do the things I want to write about. At least that is how this tool worked last time and it made a big difference. 

It is also reminding me again that since the last time I wrote consistently, so much has changed. My address, job title, marital status, and other pillars of a life are most obvious but I live inside this eccentric head of mine and the change that I notice is the most stark is my self-awareness. I think I have always had a level of self-awareness but the change is that I always used to measure that awareness against the way I thought I was "supposed" to be. I was always weighing in to see if I measured up with the image of the way I perceived the world saw me. I'd make adjustments based on those perceptions and as a result many of my struggles led straight back to insecurity and a constant feeling of never being "enough." 

I cloaked myself in job titles, a relationship, and as much cultural infrastructure as I could to feel like I reflected to the world that I was worthy because look at all the things I had collected. I wore those things like armor to protect my soft spots. I didn't talk to my friends or my family about things I was worried or scared about because I didn't want their judgement and more so I didn't want to prove right all of those people that made me feel like I didn't have value because I wasn't their cup of tea. That armor was heavy and it prevented connection in so many ways. 

I am grateful that I've come to a point in my life where I don't feel like I measure myself against others anymore. Taking off that armor was liberating and intoxicating. It was also uncomfortable and left me open for some really vulnerable discovery about myself. And it didn't happen quickly and I hurt some well-meaning people who were brave enough to expose their soft spots to me only to have me realize that protecting them meant abandoning myself. That was the worst part of the process because that has always been an impossible choice for me. When you don't understand your value or worth or even if you do and you don't practice the boundaries that demonstrate that value and worth, it is easy to trade everything you are for the approval, happiness, and satisfaction of someone else, especially when you love them. 

I am truly sorry for the people I hurt in my journey to get here. And I'm sorry for the hurt I caused myself. In honor of all that hurt I owe it to myself and others to engage in meaningful reflection to understand how to do better. That takes some very uncomfortable sessions in front of a mirror. When you struggle with your weight and see yourself in a way that confirms you agree that you lack value, mirrors are rarely friendly. But all I've been through has taught me that friendly doesn't have to be the point. Integrity can be the point. Having the courage to discard comfort and face the things that are the truly ugly parts is a very worthy point. 

One of the things that I've seen since in the mirror is that I have a pretty well-defined relationship cycle. I never saw it until earlier this year. With 9 months of searching around in mirrors for how I could have gotten it so wrong I discovered a pretty tidy little wheel. I've been playing hamster in that wheel for as far back as I can tell but it wasn't until this week that I saw all its parts clearly. 

Spending so many of my years believing I lacked value left me with a longing to be proved wrong. Catching the attention of someone who could validate the positive perceptions I have of myself always, always, always does the trick. Validation and the dopamine of a new relationship are my brain's drug of choice.  When I find someone to supply me, there is an insurgence of dopamine and I am basically a neurotransmitter and validation junkie. When I'm high on those things I will do anything and everything to try to keep it going because as long as someone is infatuated with me I can believe that I have value. I will trade away anything that means anything to me to be the ideal version of myself that someone wants me to be. The problem is that it doesn't matter how much I trade away. The dopamine always dissipates and the validation always proves to be an empty mold that I thought was filled with connection. When it does I negotiate with myself about how little I need to just make it work anyway. There always comes a point though where I recognize I'm in a relationship that isn't good for me and there's a reckoning that causes a break and I retreat into a recover period where I isolate, reflect on the ins and outs of what I did wrong and what I should have known better to do all along. That recovery period always leads back to the longing until I find someone new that will deliver a head cocktail of dopamine and validation. Most recently this cycle has taken 12 years in one case, a year and a half in another, and just 3 months in the most recent run through. The longer it takes, the more it seems linear. When it's short though, it is impossible to ignore how I am running myself.. and others in a circle that is doomed. 

I'm not saying that the partners I've had haven't made mistakes and aren't also responsible for relationships that don't work out but I am owning my part in those heartbreaks. It is important to me to be a good partner and I can never be that without this honest and vulnerable recognition that I have a pattern I have to be cognizant of if I am going to be trustworthy to myself and others.  

In the same way I have to be cognizant of the triggers that I turn to food to numb I have to be aware of what is driving my behavior and practice making choices that will lead to different outcomes. I think James Clear is spot on when he says that each action is a vote for who you want to be. I want to be someone who has a healthy relationship with food and with humans... especially humans of the male persuasion because those are especially tricky. It's time I start casting some different kinds of votes..

<3 Katie
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