Can't Break Up
I think I have hit a true turning point in my journey. When I stopped writing in July I knew that I needed to lighten my load because work was starting to get busier and most of my free time was spent walking with Brutus once his cast came off. He is back in good health now but, slowly, from July to September I made some killer progress. I got down to my lowest weight and I had good habits both with eating and with exercise.
As the days began to get shorter though and my job moved me to a warehouse (temporarily) where its just me a whole bunch of old stuff, I started to make some questionable decisions that I did not, in fact, question at all. Examples of this include staying home from a walk to bake and ordering a chicken burger and french fries just about every day for a good week and a half just so I could see another human being... Well that's what I said but they serve salads and I didn't order a single one of those so....
When I hopped back on the scale only to see I had slid backwards after working so hard to get there I felt pretty bummed. I realized that the "boiled frog syndrome" gets me every time. It probably gets everybody else every time too and that's why so many of us struggle to have a good balance with being curvy.
When I started down a thought path I tend to go pretty deep... sometimes that's not a good thing but in this case it got me thinking to how I don't see food's main purpose being nutrition and fuel. It's main purpose is happiness in my life. When I'm planning a weekend... or a vacation... or an evening at home following a particularly arduous day, it always includes some sort of food that will fit the rest of the plans. I used to think that this was helpful in avoiding eating bad things because if I plan ahead I'm more likely to be aware of the calorie intake and the impact that food choice is having on my progress. I see now that it is really just an excuse for me to use food for happy instead of for survival.
I don't think I was ever far from this idea just kind of numb to it. I never considered myself a "comfort eater" because I never really have had a habit of eating for recreation or to dull an emotion but when I am planning an upcoming meal my first thought is "what do I WANT to eat?" This, of course, means "what food will make me the happiest right now." Every time I ask myself the question as "what food will be best for me to eat" it feels like I'm dieting and my brain rejects it. These two questions don't have to be mutually exclusive and I know that but I think that discovering this about myself will help me to avoid it in the future.
If I am going to be successful long term I need to start making a change to how I think about food. I need to address my relationship with food. Going back to read blog posts from early made me realize that I talk about food like it is a companion or a friend. I think about food a lot. As soon as I resolve what is for breakfast I'm onto what is for lunch. Even if I plan and pack a lunch I'll find myself daydreaming about what I could do for lunch that would make me happier than what I brought and because I have no discipline I am usually able to talk myself into whatever sounds the best. I am only now starting to realize that my relationship with food is kind of obsessive and while I think attributing happiness to food can be healthy I don't think it should be considered its main purpose. I believe that people with normal relationships with food think about it in terms of it keeping them alive with a few key foods that make them really happy like a favorite birthday cake or other such food that have a special meaning attributed to them.
From this point forward my journey is progressing from "just eat less french fries" to establishing a better relationship to food that revolves more around making choices that keep me alive and happy instead of just happy. That being said... I'm going to eat a muffin for breakfast. What?! These things take time... Geeze.... don't be so judgy :)
<3 Katie
167lbs
As the days began to get shorter though and my job moved me to a warehouse (temporarily) where its just me a whole bunch of old stuff, I started to make some questionable decisions that I did not, in fact, question at all. Examples of this include staying home from a walk to bake and ordering a chicken burger and french fries just about every day for a good week and a half just so I could see another human being... Well that's what I said but they serve salads and I didn't order a single one of those so....
When I hopped back on the scale only to see I had slid backwards after working so hard to get there I felt pretty bummed. I realized that the "boiled frog syndrome" gets me every time. It probably gets everybody else every time too and that's why so many of us struggle to have a good balance with being curvy.
When I started down a thought path I tend to go pretty deep... sometimes that's not a good thing but in this case it got me thinking to how I don't see food's main purpose being nutrition and fuel. It's main purpose is happiness in my life. When I'm planning a weekend... or a vacation... or an evening at home following a particularly arduous day, it always includes some sort of food that will fit the rest of the plans. I used to think that this was helpful in avoiding eating bad things because if I plan ahead I'm more likely to be aware of the calorie intake and the impact that food choice is having on my progress. I see now that it is really just an excuse for me to use food for happy instead of for survival.
I don't think I was ever far from this idea just kind of numb to it. I never considered myself a "comfort eater" because I never really have had a habit of eating for recreation or to dull an emotion but when I am planning an upcoming meal my first thought is "what do I WANT to eat?" This, of course, means "what food will make me the happiest right now." Every time I ask myself the question as "what food will be best for me to eat" it feels like I'm dieting and my brain rejects it. These two questions don't have to be mutually exclusive and I know that but I think that discovering this about myself will help me to avoid it in the future.
If I am going to be successful long term I need to start making a change to how I think about food. I need to address my relationship with food. Going back to read blog posts from early made me realize that I talk about food like it is a companion or a friend. I think about food a lot. As soon as I resolve what is for breakfast I'm onto what is for lunch. Even if I plan and pack a lunch I'll find myself daydreaming about what I could do for lunch that would make me happier than what I brought and because I have no discipline I am usually able to talk myself into whatever sounds the best. I am only now starting to realize that my relationship with food is kind of obsessive and while I think attributing happiness to food can be healthy I don't think it should be considered its main purpose. I believe that people with normal relationships with food think about it in terms of it keeping them alive with a few key foods that make them really happy like a favorite birthday cake or other such food that have a special meaning attributed to them.
From this point forward my journey is progressing from "just eat less french fries" to establishing a better relationship to food that revolves more around making choices that keep me alive and happy instead of just happy. That being said... I'm going to eat a muffin for breakfast. What?! These things take time... Geeze.... don't be so judgy :)
<3 Katie
167lbs
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